who am i?

hello again, if you have just joined me or you have forgotten my name already, its james :)

i want to share a little context, some reason or motivation as to why improving me is so important. i mean after all it easy for anyone to say 'i want to be better' but unless they have drive and determination its an empty objective.

i'm james and i'm a guy in my late twenties, i live in europe and have done all my life. i've grown up with a loving and supportive, sometimes smothering, family and have always had friends. i can't always say i've been part of the 'popular group' but then again haven't really been at the other end of the social spectrum, i've merely floated around in the middle enjoying anyone's friendship that was offered to me.

over the years i've kinda re-invented myself on a few occasions, once leading into university and probably again every time i change jobs. i find it kinda refreshing to look into myself and change for the better. i'm going through one such reinvention now.

i've been pretty successful career wise and am in a well paying job with a well respected but sometimes hated global corporation. looking back over my success it's basically been because i have worked and looked for meritocratic environments. i totally believe this is the way business should be conducted and have always resented, deep down, those that have been promoted ahead of me because of who they know rather then what they have done. since moving to my current position, which i have been at for about 18 months, i've come to realise that i can't just rely on my performance to get me to where i want to go, i need to get out there and advertise, basically build a brand of myself, protect it, nurture it and promote it wherever possible. then combined with my quality of work i should see further and maybe more success.

everything was going well until february 2007 when i was diagnosed with cancer. totally out of the blue, left field, shock! i've never abused myself which i classify as smoking, drinking excessively or taking drugs, yet as i looked on at those that do in perfect health, mine had taken a catastrophic turn for the worse. luckily for me i had caught the cancer early and was able to have surgery to remove the tumor and then embark on 15 weeks of chemotherapy to hopefully kill it right off in the areas it had spread to.

the 15 weeks were a truly horrendous experience, every three weeks i was poisoned to the brink of physical failure and left to recover dribbling and drooling before having the process repeated. i was fortunate in that i had a very strong network of friends and family around me to see me through and eventually, about a year ago i emerged free from the dreaded disease. it wasn't easy and looking back, if it hadn't all happened so quickly, and i wasn't numbed by the shock of it all i don't know if i would have survived. it was hard beyond belief but i did it and i so happy i'm still here, there is a lot of living left to do.

unfortunately having cancer wasn't without its other side effects. side effects not on the body, but on the brain. my confidence has been broken. although physically i'm probably in better shape than pre-chemo (i've working very hard to maintain this) i'm definitely more comfortable at home in the safety of living room then i am out with friends or meeting new people. its also dented my confidence at work, i've lost conviction and fight. before i would scrap over my work and maintaining its integrity but now i just can't be bothered. again, its a confidence thing, i don't want to put myself on the line because i don't think i could take it if i was wrong, if my point of view was rejected.

that is why i have identified the 5 building blocks laid out in my last post - health, love, life, work, personal. these building blocks will be the foundation, ground zero. as i improve myself in each area i to will improve. i will become a better me, i will move forward with my life, i will take back CONTROL of my life!

so there's a bit of context.

my motivation.

some may laugh, others may not care but the purpose of this post is to take a kinda self portrait, who am i, whats affected me and what am i thinking.

every journey starts somewhere, and my journey to social supremacy needs to look back before it can go forward. i feel i've done that now. it feels like some kind of closure.

let the forward momentum begin.