social supremacy

plane, train or automobile rage

2008-08-12T04:33:00.000-07:00

ever noticed how people get agitated or irritable on public transport?

ever felt aggressive to another driver who was following too close?

ever wanted to smack the guy sitting next to you on a plane!

welcome to plane, train or automobile rage!

thats right, you know the feeling, you are raging!

and you know why?

its a personal space issue. thats right, plain and simple, its a personal space issue.

everybody has them because everybody has a zone around themselves that they feel is theirs. it can be up to about 24 inches from you body, usually smaller if you've grown up in a city, and greatly exaggerated when driving a car (no one knows why this is!).

this space is viewed as your space, your territory and anybody that enters who is unwelcome triggers a primal defence mechanism. you start to feel defensive, wary and begin to get agitated. you don't like it and you want your space back. you may widen your legs to make yourself look bigger and a little scarier or you may take a step away. either way you are looking to regain the integrity of your personal zone.

ever wondered why an angry mob gets angry? personal space pressures. the more people in the mob, the less space there is and the more angry people begin to feel. that anger is then directed towards whatever the mobs target was.

i've been watching these personal space dynamics recently in an effort to spot how i can speed up comfort building with new people i meet. this may be work or socially orientated.

from what i've seen, small and short personal space intrusions are tolerated. its part of peoples lives that they will have to accept intrusions throughout the day to keep their day running. if you stopped and squared up to everyone that brushed past you, walked in front of you or tapped you on the shoulder you'd be locked away in solitary very very quickly! what isn't tolerated so much is held or long pause personal space intrusions.

with that in mind i've been experimenting. stepping forward towards someone and stepping away, applying a quick shoulder grab when laughing at someone’s joke, a slight elbow touch when walking past someone. anything that delivers a quick personal space intrusion and then swift exit before they get agitated or concerned by it.

so far its been working. its helped me build better rapport with some colleagues and speed up new friendships i've made. you can actually see the other person open up to you. their arms unfold, or legs uncross, their palms start to face you and they even lean into you by pointing a foot forwards.

all this stuff happens naturally so what i'm saying isn't some huge breakthrough, but what it does do is take maybe a 4 hour process and make it happen in 2!

the goal is for this to help me build my social and professional network quicker then i would normally. i may be able to walk out of a 2 hour business meeting having made some real business connections or leave a party afer only a drink or two with some new friends who will feel comfrotable with me calling them. so all in all its a good skill to have and it will help with me goals moving forward :)

who am i?

2008-08-12T01:06:00.000-07:00

hello again, if you have just joined me or you have forgotten my name already, its james :)

i want to share a little context, some reason or motivation as to why improving me is so important. i mean after all it easy for anyone to say 'i want to be better' but unless they have drive and determination its an empty objective.

i'm james and i'm a guy in my late twenties, i live in europe and have done all my life. i've grown up with a loving and supportive, sometimes smothering, family and have always had friends. i can't always say i've been part of the 'popular group' but then again haven't really been at the other end of the social spectrum, i've merely floated around in the middle enjoying anyone's friendship that was offered to me.

over the years i've kinda re-invented myself on a few occasions, once leading into university and probably again every time i change jobs. i find it kinda refreshing to look into myself and change for the better. i'm going through one such reinvention now.

i've been pretty successful career wise and am in a well paying job with a well respected but sometimes hated global corporation. looking back over my success it's basically been because i have worked and looked for meritocratic environments. i totally believe this is the way business should be conducted and have always resented, deep down, those that have been promoted ahead of me because of who they know rather then what they have done. since moving to my current position, which i have been at for about 18 months, i've come to realise that i can't just rely on my performance to get me to where i want to go, i need to get out there and advertise, basically build a brand of myself, protect it, nurture it and promote it wherever possible. then combined with my quality of work i should see further and maybe more success.

everything was going well until february 2007 when i was diagnosed with cancer. totally out of the blue, left field, shock! i've never abused myself which i classify as smoking, drinking excessively or taking drugs, yet as i looked on at those that do in perfect health, mine had taken a catastrophic turn for the worse. luckily for me i had caught the cancer early and was able to have surgery to remove the tumor and then embark on 15 weeks of chemotherapy to hopefully kill it right off in the areas it had spread to.

the 15 weeks were a truly horrendous experience, every three weeks i was poisoned to the brink of physical failure and left to recover dribbling and drooling before having the process repeated. i was fortunate in that i had a very strong network of friends and family around me to see me through and eventually, about a year ago i emerged free from the dreaded disease. it wasn't easy and looking back, if it hadn't all happened so quickly, and i wasn't numbed by the shock of it all i don't know if i would have survived. it was hard beyond belief but i did it and i so happy i'm still here, there is a lot of living left to do.

unfortunately having cancer wasn't without its other side effects. side effects not on the body, but on the brain. my confidence has been broken. although physically i'm probably in better shape than pre-chemo (i've working very hard to maintain this) i'm definitely more comfortable at home in the safety of living room then i am out with friends or meeting new people. its also dented my confidence at work, i've lost conviction and fight. before i would scrap over my work and maintaining its integrity but now i just can't be bothered. again, its a confidence thing, i don't want to put myself on the line because i don't think i could take it if i was wrong, if my point of view was rejected.

that is why i have identified the 5 building blocks laid out in my last post - health, love, life, work, personal. these building blocks will be the foundation, ground zero. as i improve myself in each area i to will improve. i will become a better me, i will move forward with my life, i will take back CONTROL of my life!

so there's a bit of context.

my motivation.

some may laugh, others may not care but the purpose of this post is to take a kinda self portrait, who am i, whats affected me and what am i thinking.

every journey starts somewhere, and my journey to social supremacy needs to look back before it can go forward. i feel i've done that now. it feels like some kind of closure.

let the forward momentum begin.

hello, my name is james

2008-08-11T05:16:00.000-07:00

it sounds like the first day at some kind of help group, and i guess in a way it is.

my name is james and i want to improve.

i'm happy with my life at the moment, content may be a more appropriate word, but i know it could be better.

not better in the sense of, if i was a rockstar it would be better, or if i was brad pitt it would be better, but more from the point of view that my life is in my hands and i can make it as fulfilling as i want it to be.

making sense?

in other words, i can sit back and watch life pass me by, content with what i have but never achieving more. or i could take life by the scruff of the neck, look it straight in the eyes and scream 'i want more, i want social supremacy'.

thats my goal. social supremacy. i want to undertake a journey to achieve social supremacy.

let me explain.

i've been doing a lot of thinking, and to me, social supremacy can be achieved through 5 building blocks. my journey will be pushing me to improve myself in each of these areas, hopefully culminating in something akin to social supremacy...in my life at least :)

too add a little more context to these pillars i wanted to share my thoughts behind each one;

health: i feel i can only live life to the capacity that my body allows. i'm going to need the physical to be in line with the mental.

love: love is hugely important to me, and the human race as a whole. we are meant to be the only species capable of truly loving another so i want my little piece.

work: i seem to spend half of my waking hours at work these days. if i'm going to do that then i might as well strive to be at the top of the food chain!

life: anything outside work thats social and needs improving!

personal: making me a better me. mental improvement, image makeover, body language, conversational skills. anything that can make me a better me!

combined, the above areas will help me achieve my goal of social supremacy. i don't believe focussing on any one will get me there as to truly be a better person you need to adopt a holistic approach.

this blog, will be my musing on that journey. it will focus on the above 5 building blocks and i will share my personal experience and learning as i go.

i hope it will provide both interesting reading and a journal that i can look back on to see how far i have come. only time will tell, so now i begin.